“Oh, fearful saints, new courage take: The clouds that you now dread, Are big with mercy and will break in blessings on your head. Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, But trust him for his grace. Behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face.” ~ William Cowper (1774) God Moves in A Mysterious Way
In early January I began to detect some irregularities in my heart health— nothing major but enough to get my attention. Though I attributed the symptoms to the cold weather I decided to make an appointment with my cardiologist, who immediately scheduled a stress test. I failed with flying colors! He immediately sent me to the ER where they would perform a heart catheterization due to the ‘sinister’ results of my EKG. Not exactly the words you want to hear.
So as I waited, I prepared my heart with the words of Psalm 31…
“In you, O LORD, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me! For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God…Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!” Ps. 31:1-5; 24
Before we began, I asked the medical team if I could pray with them. I thanked the Lord for the incredible knowledge of these doctors, nurses, and technicians involved in the procedure. I asked the Lord to guide the doctor and give him perfect clarity on the nature of the problem…he heard my prayer and answered me. I expected to hear that my existing stints needed some refreshing and some shiny, new ones would do the trick. No big deal! However, his words hit me like the knockout blow of a prizefighter, “There is significant deterioration in your veins and a stint would be ineffective. You need bypass surgery”. Stunned! Flabbergasted! Overwhelmed! This was not on my radar!
I am so thankful that the Lord is my rock and fortress for otherwise I would have been overcome by fear and despair. Still, the shocking emotion of that moment paralyzed me. As I was being wheeled out of the room one of the nurses comforted me by saying, “The Lord is with us in our suffering.” Choking back the tears I said, “I know He is.” However, the fear and uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds was overwhelming. If the Lord had not been my rock and my fortress the next 24 hours would have been unbearable.
You are never prepared to tell the person you love the most in the world news that will turn their world upside-down. She sat in stunned silence as I warned her of the dark valley we were entering together. Despite my fear, I rejoice in this valley, for God has given me a faithful companion in life who loves me, lightens my burden, protects me, encourages me, and walks beside me…in the valleys and mountaintops…when the sun is shining and when the rain is falling…in good times and bad. What a wonderful gift!
We made phone calls. We cried tears. We asked questions. We expressed our love for one another. It was a fearful moment yet a sacred one. For there we received God’s sustaining grace that led us through the dark valleys we were about to enter. Though there is fear in our hearts we choose to face whatever comes with courage, trusting that our good and sovereign is not a novice…He knows what he is doing.
Yet, the quiet of a hospital room is a frightening place. When friends and family leave they are replaced by the fear of our hearts and the lies of the enemy. I tossed and turned in restless slumber until I opened the church Bible reading for the morning…
“A person’s steps are established by the Lord, and he takes pleasure in his way. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, because the Lord supports him with his hand.” Psalm 37:23-24
I may be overwhelmed but Jesus never is. This valley may be a shocking and unsettling turn of events but this route does not surprise Jesus in the least. Jesus holds me in his hand while the storm in my heart rages. Though I am weak, his strength will not allow me to be overwhelmed.
It is part of his sovereign plan for my good and my salvation. As the Heidelberg Catechism reminds me…
Q: What is my only comfort in life and death?
A: That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood and has set me free from all the power of the devil. He preserves me in such a way that without the will of my heavenly Father not a hair can fall from my head; indeed, all things must work together for my salvation.”
Jesus is using the frailty of my physical heart to teach my spiritual heart to trust his goodness. The darkness of the path is causing me to rely on the light of his sustaining grace. Everything I face, either good or bad, is working for my good and my salvation (Rom 8:28). This valley is neither punishment nor happenstance but the plan of my Savior who is leading and guiding me. He is using everything to make me more like Jesus (Romans 8:29). Nothing I face from heart bypass to heartbreak can separate me from the love of God in Christ (Rom 8:35-39). What a remarkable comfort!
So with every step I take through this dark valley, every tear I cry, and with each pain I endure, I can put one foot in front of the other knowing that Jesus, my Good Shepherd, walks beside me in the valley and comforts me with his rod and staff (Psalm 23:4). Therefore because of Jesus, I will courageously fear no evil!
Ways that you can pray for me!
Rejoice with me! I have much to be thankful for. First, my heart is strong and has sustained no damage. Once my namby-pamby veins are bypassed I will be strong and reinvigorated. Second, we realized the problem now and not when I had a heart attack on a hike in a National Park. My cardiologist assures me that if he were to plan it, this is how he would have done it. Recognizing the symptoms, undergoing the testing, and scheduling the necessary surgery to set me up for the rest of my life. Third, I don't think I realized how poor my health has been. This surgery should reinvigorate me! I have so many reasons to be thankful.
Pray for the Lord’s favor Open heart surgery is serious and complicated. I am so thankful for a knowledgeable and compassionate team. Pray for the surgeons, nurses, and technicians involved in the surgery. May the Lord shine his favor over all involved on Monday.
Pray for my family While I am enjoying a deep, medically induced siesta my family will be very much awake. Each minute will feel like an eternity. May the Lord comfort them, grant them peace, and give them the courage to trust the Lord as they wait.
Pray for my recovery The coming weeks will be painful and arduous. May I have the strength and courage to fight through the pain and build back my endurance. Pray for Denise as she cares for me and carries the load for our family.
From my deepest part of my soul, I speak with our Lord, Jesus, to keep you, his faithful servant, securely in His hands. I pray for your family and all who love you. You're in His hands. He is faithful to walk with you in this journey. It is a blessing that He is with us who love Him, for without Him., life would surely be empty.. Thank you for sharing you inner feelings & thoughts.
With great prayer and love, your sister in Christ
Kim Benson
I love you Chris and I will be praying for you in all the ways you have requested. You and Denise are precious to me. Our comfort is knowing that God is already there working out every detail.